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And my family wonders why…..

>Finally admit to grandmother that I’ve been slow to do stuff because I’ve been feeling sort of depressed the last month.
>Get told ‘Oh well nothing I can do’/indirectly told ‘I dont care’.
GEE, AND THIS FAMILY WONDERS WHY I DON’T TELL THEM WHAT I THINK ABOUT/FEEL ANYMORE.

It’s always ‘Another time’ or ‘Not right now’ or ‘I don’t care’.
The 12 years of verbal abuse and insults by the family, and the recent years of being told how ‘useful’ my friends are ‘unlike me’…that totally didn’t help. My family has APPARENTLY known since I was like 3 that I’d supposedly have ‘social development problems’…so their plan? Throw insults about me being an asshole or a lazy piece of shit or a mother fucker or freak or worthless or idiot or whatever else you can think of for over a decade. One of my favorites is when my mother accused me of helping the landlord/maintenance BREAK INTO OUR OWN HOME, AS WELL AS EVERYTHING ELSE THEY SEEMED TO HAVE DONE.

Yep. You’re right bitch; I was just faking my own ‘freak out’ about it. Yep. Your OCD, high intelligence, mentally neurotic, shy, socially stunted child who only had 1 friend and didn’t like just about anyone at the complex TOTALLY plotted with the landlord he barely knew/ever saw and the maintenance guy he didn’t like to HELP THEM BREAK IN AND POSSIBLY STEAL HIS OWN STUFF. YES, TOTALLY.

Oh, and you’re right grandmother. I TOTALLY faked those dates for all my payment days for work done for you and all that other stuff. Totally. NOT LIKE WE RECORDED IT TOGETHER AND YOU HAPPENED TO ‘LOSE’ THE PRINTED CALENDARS RIGHT BEFORE ALMOST EVERY PAYMENT. GOOD THING I FOUND THE LAST ONE I GOT PAID FOR, HUH?

I’d move out on my own/with friends to get away from this fucking family if I could…but I don’t know of anyone I could share a place with, and I sure as fuck don’t have a job/have an idea for a reliable job…I don’t even know if I could get a reliable job and/or wake myself in a reliable fashion in time to get to a job start time without help :/

EDIT - Oh, and this isn’t the first time I’ve been feeling depressed like this, or the first time I’ve actually called it ‘depression’. Every time, they’ve brushed it off. I’m sorry that my mental health is justTOO important for your time. “Find someone to talk to”, yeah grandmother? I WAS TRYING TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU…WHY DO YOU THINK YOU WERE THE FIRST ONE TOLD?! No, of course that didn’t cross your mind. “He must be using it as an excuse!” you probably thought.

This family is obsessed with thinking/saying that EVERYTHING people say is an excuse. “I have an appointment”, OH SHE HAS AN EXCUSE FOR NOT SHOWING.
"I have work, so I can’t help you move." OH SHE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO HELP. <—Actual thing regarding my mother’s friend(s) and our recent move.

In this family, if you say yes, you’re being helpful and working. You say no, and you’re being ‘rude’ or ‘lazy’. You say No, but try to explain why…and it’s always an ‘excuse’….except when they’re the ones doing that. Then they’re ‘justified’…

Moving problems

MY MOTHER IS UTTERLY UNBELIEVABLE. I TELL HER FOR A WEEK AND A HALF WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH BOXES FOR MY ROOM, AND SHE TELLS ME TO SAY NOTHING TO HER UNTIL WE RUN OUT. I TOLD HER IF WE WAIT UNTIL THEN, IT’LL BE TOO LATE. GET BOXES, AND IF WE HAVE EXTRA, OH WELL.

SHE DOESN’T DO IT.

MOST OF MY STUFF IS TO BE GONE AND MOVED TOMORROW…AND I’VE GOT 2 SMALL BOXES, 1 NEARLY FULL SMALL BOX, AND 3 OR 4 HALF EMPTY MEDIUM SIZE BOXES.

I TOLD YOU YOU DUMB BITCH I NEEDED BOXES. YOU DIDN’T LISTEN. WAY TO FUCKIN GO. WHAT SO YOU USED ALL THE BIG BOXES FIRST AND TOLD ME ‘FUCK YOU CHRIS USE THE BOXES WITH HOLES IN THE TOP’?! YOU SAVE THE SHITTY BANANA BOXES FOR ME? AND WHEN I ASK FOR A WEEK AND A HALF TO GET BOXES…WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU SPEND ALL DAY TALKING TO RENEE. YOU GO TO A CONCERT ALL DAY (WITH NO FOOD IN THE HOUSE AND NOTHING TO COOK ON/WITH BECAUSE WE DON’T HAVE GAS AND NO REAL MICROWAVE FOOD) FOR BEACH BOYS, YOU GO OUT DANCING OR GETTING DRUNK…BUT I BRING A FRIEND OVER AND WE PACK AND DO A FEW GAMES…AND I’M BEING LAZY? FUCK YOU I’M NOT THE ONE GETTING DRUNK OFF HER ASS AND NOT GETTING BOXES SO CLOSE TO MOVING DAY. AND IF MY BED DOESN’T GO ON THE 15TH, WELL THEN TOO DAMN BAD. I WARNED YOU AND I PLEADED WITH YOU TO GET BOXES. I DON’T KNOW HOW AND I SURE AS HELL CAN’T PICK THEM UP. NOT MY FAULT YOU DIDN’T WANT TO.

Fuck you, and sincerely,

Your angry youngest son.

P.S - I haven’t been doing as much lately because I’VE BEEN NEARLY BED RIDDEN THE PAST 5 DAYS WITH A BACK INJURY YOU DUMB BITCH.

So I tried writing something….

And tumblr deleted it without saving a draft. I’m not going to write it all again because it was a rant, but suffice to say…I’m seriously having life doubts. I think I can honestly say I’m feeling a tad depressed, and a bit hopeless…and so much rage towards my mother. My mother is the biggest fucking hypocrite and double standard giver I have ever known. Her tendency to warp something to her benefit, whether it’s my disability or my beliefs that were instilled a tad by her is insulting. Her paranoia, which was used at one point to accuse me of helping people to break into her house…it’s frustrating. I don’t want to live her with her if I can help it, but I can’t hold down most jobs, not only from my physical issues, but also my mental tendencies and my sleep disorder.

I know of almost no friends I could room with for long, and I have no idea where I could hold down a job at full part time hours, let alone full time. I have dreams of being a game programmer….My sleep disorder would make sure I wouldn’t even get to college on time unless I had someone to wake me or I take all my classes in the late afternoon (unlikely)…I’m just seriously getting bummed over everything. I can’t live with family the rest of my life, and I sure as hell don’t want to. Don’t know if/how I could hold a full part time job let alone full time job on my own, and I don’t know of any friends I could room with in near future…Hell I don’t even know of any job prospects I could hold for more than a month at best…At at the root of it all, every month and every year that passes, I realize…I’m seriously fucked up…Not only physically in my back that’s never healed or my other physical problems…but in my mental issues. My OCD, My ADHD, my lack of social empathy and my lack of social understanding. My sleep disorder, my personality, my attitude and my beliefs….I believe there’s always a way out…but right now? I’m not seeing it. I’m being accused of lies about my problems by my own family, I’m facing distrust and disbelief for my issues, and at the root of it all…I even endure spite and jokes at my expense from my friends and family (Jokes are funny at times…but as time goes by, some of their jokes are starting to hurt more and more). I hope I’ll never be, and I doubt I ever WILL be, as depressed as I was 6-8 years ago when for a few days/weeks I honestly wondered what it’d be like if I stopped existing (Kind of like suicide but not ‘kill myself’, but if i was just….not here)…But it won’t stop me in the future from being seriously depressed if shit doesn’t start looking up.

Won’t be long till some of my IRL friends go off for service or leave state for college. I will have even less folks to hang out with, and as times goes and their unordinary/ordinary/planned careers take off…I might still be here. I’m not seeing a way out at the moment, and I’m not seeing how to improve my life in the long run…and I’m not seeing compassion from friends or family, and I’m getting so tired of it all…

EDIT - And to clarify, I don’t mean to say “OH WOE IS ME PHYSICAL DISABILITIES”. I’m not that bad. I just have a lower back issue that never fully healed due to unfinished physical therapy (ironically, it was my family that created it by refusing to let me stop carrying heavy stuff when we had moved for the umpteenth time…AND THEY MADE ME WALK WITH A HEAVY BOOKBAG TO THERAPY INSTEAD OF DRIVING ME THERE AFTER SCHOOL…) and there’s all my mental issues…Medically/legally speaking…most of them are disabilities/disorders, and some of them are categorized as “invisible disorders”…but they’re there none the less.

And pills for some of them have led to some of the other problems I now deal with, so no, I will not take anti depression pills (What all ‘sleeping pills’ are) to fix a sleep disorder that’s been documented to be fine for my health if I don’t try to force certain things on my circadian rhythm (such as being awake in the morning.) If left alone, I sleep a full 8-12 hours on my own schedule regularly and reliable without obvious ill-effect. I am refreshed, and I can do what I need. However, I always feel tired, slow, and sometimes even sick when forced to wake early/in the morning with my sleep disorder.
And for the record, almost all sleeping pills as far as I’ve learned…do not give you REM sleep, which is what one needs for sleep to be worth it. It puts one in a near constant state of deep sleep, so that’s why they’ve noted a very high statistical incline for sleeping pill users to always feel tired after using pills.
As for ADHD pills (and I do not think ADHD needs pills. Calming oneself and learning patience is more than enough if you’re mature enough to do so. This bipolar/ADHD/OCD diagnosis craze the US country is on is disgusting, but my issues with those being so readily diagnosed is a rant for another time), they’re what eventually gave me my insomnia and led to my current sleeping disorder, so forgive me if I’m hesitant to ever touch them again. Most of my other issues…simply stem as side effects from how I was raised, my lack of friends as a child, or side effects of my other issues (Such as OCD/ADHD leading to a lack of friends leading to a ‘Stunted growth in social development’. Have I improved in the last 4 years? Oh hell yes. Am I ‘normal’/’socially aware’ now? Oh fuck no.)

So do I want to put you all on a ‘woe he has disabilities feel bad’ trip? No. Do I want to trivialize far more serious physical/mental problems that DO disable people? No. But I will use the terms deemed to be medically and legally correct for my ‘issues’ until such a time that they change. Until then…if you have an issue with me calling my OCD/Sleeping Disorder a ‘disability’…Well I think it’s insulting (I like most of what I do that categorizes me as being OCD), but medically it is what it is. Fuck off.

Current state of TV…

So pretty much only reasons I have left to care for G4? Star Trek (bleh. I think they stopped it anyway), AOTS (Barely. Candace alone is not worth it IMO), X-play (Morgan without the Sess? Yeah, same boat as AOTS), and Ninja Warrior (Can easily get ahold of it online and/or watch japanese with subs…)

As for TV in general…Well Toonami’s only real thing I care for otherwise. That and adult swim, when I can be arsed. Any TV shows I’m interested I watch reruns when I want, or watch online…Soon I’ll just watch what I want when I want via Netflix so…there’s that…Sigh…Alot of my favorite shit from TV is gone/dead/dying…and only one good thing’s coming back…Why’d you have to go and lose 3 or 4 good people in the last 6-8 months G4? Why? Especially the last 2 -.- I was seriously wondering why people were mentioning a potential lack of sessler at E3 earlier today….>.<

inlovewithgeosciences:

Megafauna Size Comparison

Human- a 6 foot (1.8m tall) man.


African Bush Elephant- 3 meters tall at shoulder. The largest of modern elephants.
Songhua River Mammoth- 5.3 meters at the shoulder! WAY larger than most other mammoth species (and a good many dinosaurs)!

Triceratops- 8-9 meters long, approx 8-9 feet tall, and quilled. Its skull is one of the largest of a land animal.
Tyrannosaurus Rex- 12 meters long, with a 5 foot skull. Unique late-cretaceous predator. Stockier and brawnier than other giant theropods.
Brachiosaurus- 13 meters high with its head raised. Although smaller than more recent sauropods, still by far one of the largest compared to most.
Hatzegopteryx- largest yet pterosaur- with a 3 meter skull and 12 meter wingspan! Also hairy. Spent most time foraging the ground- but could still fly! 
…………….

Great White Shark- a larger specimen at 6 meters long. Usually they only reach 4m.
Orca (aka Killer Whale)- 7-8 meters long (average). Top predator of today’s oceans. Can take down larger animals than itself!
Temnodontosaurus- 9-12 meters: top predator of early Jurassic; a meaner form of Ichthyosaur. Also has some of the largest eyes in the animal kingdom.

Megalodon- estimated 12-16 meters long. Depicted at 12m. Each tooth is as large as a man’s hand! Lived through dinosaur AND mammal eras!
Mosasaurus beaugei- 15- 18 meters, with a near 2 meter skull; the largest of the mososaurs.
Leviathan Melville- AKA Moby Dick: estimated 15-18 meters; NEWLY discovered predatory whale. Has a 3 meter skull and teeth larger than bananas. 
Predator X: 15 meters long; With a 3 meter skull. One of the largest pliosaurs and top predator of late jurassic/early cretaceous.

Leedsichthys: 9- 22 meter estimate: Depicted at 14 meters. Known only from collosal fin bones and thousands of fragments.
Shonisaurus sikkanniensis: 22-25 meters long. 5 meter skull with no teeth. Largest Ichthyosaur. Likely ate squid like modern sperm whales do.
Sperm Whale: 18-22 meters long. The largest toothed animal on the planet!
Blue whale: 26-33 meters: The largest ever known animal.”

chanzlyn:

MY LITTLE PONY GIVEAWAY TO SOMEPONY OUT THERE
RULES:
*Reblog this post
*Check out my blog, I don’t post Ponies often but you might enjoy my blog so if you do, follow me? If you don’t, then don’t. :D
That is it.  Simple.  Reblog as many times as you’d like.  The more reblogs the more chances you have to winning these fabulous ponies.
Why am I giving these ponies away?
Because I some how ended up with two of them when I ordered…
About this set: It has the main 6 ponies plus 6 other ponies that are repaints of the 6 main ones.  Still cute.
NOTE: Fluttershy is just a repaint of Rainbow Dash, so it is a bit disappointing, but no less, IT IS PONIES.
REBLOG
REBLOG
REBLOG
kbai.
CONTEST ENDS: MAY 31st.

Poooonieeeees. I want ponies. Any self respecting brony should some of them &gt;.&gt;
Zoom Info
Camera
Canon EOS REBEL T2i
ISO
400
Aperture
f/4
Exposure
1/60th
Focal Length
36mm

chanzlyn:

MY LITTLE PONY GIVEAWAY TO SOMEPONY OUT THERE

RULES:

*Reblog this post

*Check out my blog, I don’t post Ponies often but you might enjoy my blog so if you do, follow me? If you don’t, then don’t. :D

That is it.  Simple.  Reblog as many times as you’d like.  The more reblogs the more chances you have to winning these fabulous ponies.

Why am I giving these ponies away?

Because I some how ended up with two of them when I ordered…

About this set: It has the main 6 ponies plus 6 other ponies that are repaints of the 6 main ones.  Still cute.

NOTE: Fluttershy is just a repaint of Rainbow Dash, so it is a bit disappointing, but no less, IT IS PONIES.

REBLOG

REBLOG

REBLOG

kbai.

CONTEST ENDS: MAY 31st.

Poooonieeeees. I want ponies. Any self respecting brony should some of them >.>

Rent troubles (FB Repost)

My mother and our landlord just started having an argument at the front door about when to move out. She’s a few days late with rent, and he bumps up the remove date from mid/end of july to mid of June and already has someone sent to move in this house when our lease officially isn’t up until August/July., and says the other ‘tenents’ just gave their 30 day notice or w/e and will be moving in the 1st of July. He points out her deposit is gone towards debt from reduced rent, and the rent price has dropped and dropped and now he can’t pay mortgage…and I offer to work at his store for free (“A good offer, maybe it would have worked earlier but not now”). Something tells me my mother never even offered it to him last year when I asked her to and she said ‘it wouldn’t work’…She may have said ‘he said that’ but I can’t remember….But he just threatened her that by June 15th if we’re not out, he may just have our house locks changed for tenents.

The FUCK YOU WILL. I’ll get my friends to break into this house if need be and take my shit if you won’t legally let me take my possessions out, regardless of what my mother did or did not do/keep up with.

Oh yeah, and when I tried to keep my mother calm and give offers to him/try to compromise between the two, she snapped at me to “Shut up, Go away, YOU’RE NOT IN THIS!” And he said “But he’s being reasonable…” ….And when he left, right as she closed the door she yelled at me that I should basically “stay out of it” and “DONT EVER INTERRUPT” (I didn’t) and THIS AND THAT. Her temper is going to make us lose our stuff before we can move it out of the fucking house. She needs anger management, and I’m getting tired of this shit. I don’t care if she thinks or knows this or that about leases/late payments/evictions. DON’T GAMBLE WITH MY SHIT BITCH; YOU CAN’T GAMBLE. YOU LOSE AT THE CASINO ALMOST EVERY TIME, AND NOT EVEN TO PEOPLE….TO FUCKING MACHINES. SO MACHINES CAN WIN BUT PLAYING CARDS IS RIGGED?!

Basically make offer to guy, guy says no, she gets mad at me, yells at me when he leaves, we now have threat of 1 month sooner and even more bill issues/moving issues to deal with…Fucking fantastic. And her belief that he can’t lock us out (whether or not it’s legal) just because ‘i’m on a lease’ (and paying late consistently is ‘okay enough that he cant evict’) is going to get her into trouble.

Today’s lovely argument :/

Ask mother if I can use living room to host the little groupy today with friends. She says ‘Fine, let me move some things…’ Then barely 5 minutes later she’s yelling “NO FUCK YOU IM DOING MY JOB! MAKE ROOM FOR YOUR FRIENDS IN YOUR ROOM THE LIVING ROOM IS MY STORE ROOM.” Right out of the blue…It’s like my mother can’t go one day without flinging at least one swear word/insult at me about ANYTHING and trying to blame it on me…I bet later today she’s going to say ‘I’m stressed out chris’ or something like that….Also contrary to popular belief, not everyone takes 2 months to pack their things :/ It’s May, and has been the last few weeks, and she’s already started packing…We don’t leave till mid/late July -.-

Family’s hypocrisy

They expect me to do their chores when it’s needed to be done, yet they get angry if I ask, ASK AND NOT AUTOMATICALLY EXPECT, them to do some of mine while I’m at school/when I went to work (Don’t have to ask since I dont have a job anymore -.-) If I ask them, it’s “LEARN TO DO X YOURSELF”. If I try to use that on them, it’s “NO DO YOUR FUCKING CHORE(S)!” I wasn’t allowed to ‘take a break’ after work before doing chores…Why the fuck is my brother allowed to? “OH HE HAD TO STAND ALL DAY WHILE WORKING! HE’S TIRED!” So did I…It wasn’t okay for me but it is for him?

And then the hours before work when he wakes up….”I CANT DO X I HAVE WORK!” “It’s not for 3 hours” “GO AWAY CHRIS I HAVE TO SHOWER AND GET READY AND I CAN’T GET MY CLOTHES DIRTY.” “…You’re not in your work clothes, and you have HOURS. YOU CAN DO SOME OF YOUR CHORES NOW.”
So it’s okay for my bro to do not do dishes before/after work because ‘he had/has work’…but I can’t say the same?

And then there’s my mother….”Mom why’d you spend $75 on slots? You’re so convinced card dealers cheat…You can notice that shit with practice and intelligence. The more likely rigged piece is slots, and even then they’re the least likely to win. That could’ve been food money.” “IM TIRED OF SPENDING ALL MY MONEY ON YOU FUCKERS (And to eat)!” So hoping she’ll spend money on food when she gets money every month is apparently wrong/crazy…But expecting me to spend the money as well/just the same, only WITHOUT reliable pay…is okay? WHAT.

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